Stories From The Sex Shop, Part II: Superfluous Papilla

One chilly January night, my co-worker and I were trying to make our shift pass more quickly. It was that time of year right after Christmas, but not quite close enough to Valentine’s Day, so very few fun-seekers had wandered in to the store that night. This made for easier conversation between my co-worker and I, and somehow during the course of our chat, we ended up on the subject of superfluous papillae.

“Superfluous what-now?” Pat said after I’d stated the term.

“Superfluous papilla,” I repeated. “It means that you have an extra nipple on your body somewhere.”

She was enthralled. She hadn’t heard of it before, and had more than a few questions about it. As we speculated over the specifics of such a condition, a couple wandered into the store, minding their own business. After offering them help, we fell quietly (we thought) back into our conversation as they browsed.

“I mean, does it lactate? Can you get milk out of it?”

“I don’t think so. I think it’s just a show nipple. It’s not like it’s hooked up to anything.”

“Well, how does it happen?”

“I dunno. Maybe it has to do with re-absorbing a twin in the womb or something.”

"So it's like a tiny Siamese twin?"

“A Siamese nipple?” We laughed.

“That’s crazy. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this before,” Pat said. “I wonder how many people have this. What is it called again? Superlative-what?”

“Superfluous papilla,” I said.

“I have one,” a voice said.

We looked up. We’d almost forgotten about the browsing couple. They had both turned toward us, and the woman was nodding. “I do,” she said.

We stood, openmouthed for a second, trying to go over what we’d just been saying in our heads. Had we said anything rude? Had we used any slurs to which the abundantly-nippled population might take offense (Did I say the word “udders”? Anything about nursing a litter? Shit, “Siamese nipple” might be trouble.)?

Mostly, though, I think we were in shock. I mean, what were the fucking odds that someone with an unusual amount of nipples would happen to come into the store just as we were talking about it?

It was a legitimate question, actually, and I wanted to know the answer.

After a moment, I decided to take my chances. “Do you really have one?” I asked the woman timidly.

“I really do,” she said.

“She really does,” her husband echoed. “I’ve seen it.”

Pat and I looked at each other. “Well…” I said. “I mean… if you don’t mind me asking… where is it?”

The couple laughed and came over to the counter. Thank God.

“It’s right here.” The woman pointed to her left side, about halfway down her torso. I tried not to let her see me looking for any sign of it. Please, someone come in the front door, I need some cold air to waft over here…

“Wow. That’s… I mean, I don’t mean to be rude or anything…”

“No, I don’t mind,” she said, laughing again. “I used to be embarrassed about it, but now it doesn’t bother me.”

I took that as an invitation. I was beyond excited at this point. I had never actually met anyone who possessed a third nipple. I had so many questions. I tried to choose the most pressing ones. “So what does it look like?”

“It just looks like a nipple,” her husband said. “Like a regular nipple. It used to creep me out, but now I don’t really notice it.”

“It’s not shaped weird or anything?”

“I mean, it’s a little smaller than my other two, but that’s about it.”

“Do you know why you have it? I mean, why it’s there?” I could tell I was embarrassing Pat at this point, but I realized that I may never have this opportunity again in my life, and I had questions that needed answers, dammit.

“Not really, no.” The woman shrugged casually, as if her third nipple was completely normal, arbitrary conversation material that came up often when talking to strangers. “They never really told me anything about it.”

I shook my head in amazement. “That’s so interesting,” I said. “I didn’t mean to bother you or anything, I’ve just never met anyone who had one before.”

“Oh, it’s really fine, I don’t mind!” The woman said again, laughing.

After a few more casual exchanges, Pat rung up their purchase for them, which happened to be a fishnet body suit. Now, I’ve never seen anybody wearing one, nor have I ever donned one myself, but I assume, according to the lovely picture on the box, that one of its primary perks (no pun intended) is the way your nipples can stick out between the fabric, like they’re pointing at your seductee, beckoning him/her toward you.

It goes without saying, then, that their purchase opened my mind to an entirely new set of questions as well as images over which to ponder.

I kept my mouth shut, though. I decided that I’d bothered the woman enough for one day. Also, I didn’t see how my new set of questions wouldn’t cross the line of being offensive. There’s curiosity, and then there’s verbal sexual harassment. It’s a fine line, and when you work in the industry that I did, it’s definitely not a line you want to toe.