The Rules of Craigslist

It seems as though some people have trouble using the wonderful website called Craigslist.

Initially this fact surprised me, because I have had great success in all of my Craigslist endeavors. I have successfully found jobs (including my current one), an apartment with a great roommate, pets (Ted, Dexter, Bug, and Stryker are all Craigslist wins), and various pieces of furniture. Additionally, I have sold electronics and furniture of my own, all without a problem.

But this must not be the case with most other people, because whenever I admit my (slight) Craigslist addiction, I am usually met with warnings about scams, creeps, and thugs who, if I’m not careful, will take advantage of the trust and anonymity of Craigslist and do all sorts of bad things to me. They tell me the woes of acquaintances who’ve had negative Craigslist experiences (oddly, no one I’ve talked to seems to have had a personal bad experience) and cite the more well-known Craigslist scams and crimes that have seeped into the news.

And the truth is, of course there are bad people and scams on Craigslist. But there are plenty of good people and even better finds as well. And it’s actually relatively easy to tell the difference between the two, if you’ve got a remote amount of common sense. But for those of you who struggle with that, allow me to provide a concise list of rules and guidelines for Craigslist usage.

- If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. No one will give something away for free if a significant amount of money can be made from selling it. It’s just not in our nature, and to believe otherwise is to be incredibly gullible. This includes a free brand new leather couch (a common scam in the “Free” section).

- This is what a scam/fake ad title looks like:

INVESTORS***$84K***REO 3 BEDROOM UPPER MORELAND TWP SINGLE(FIXER) - real estate - by broker

Note the excessive use of asterisks and the Caps Lock button, both of which enhance the flashiness of the ad while simultaneously distracting the reader from the fact that the words in the ad aren’t actually saying anything.

This is what a legitimate ad title looks like:

$900 / 2br - Spacious Two Bedroom Apt. - Avail. Sept. 1st - (38th & Hamilton St./Drexel Area) img

There is a price, an actual description, a specific location, and an image included in this ad. All of these things increase the likelihood that this person is advertising something real, and doesn’t just want your email address to send you spam.

- This brings me to my next point: If there is no photo in an ad, it’s really not worth it. A lack of photo could mean a few different things:

1.) The thing advertised does not actually exist

2.) The thing advertised exists, but is in such poor condition/such poorer condition than described that a photo would decrease its value

3.) The thing advertised exists, but its seller is too stupid or lazy to figure out how to upload an image to his/her Craigslist post. These ads usually include a sentence like “no pix but i can email or txt you some if your seriously interested.” Trust me: if someone is advertising a legitimate product, there will be photos attached.

- And as long as we’re on the subject of stupid posters, allow me to show you an example of someone whose services you should not trust with an excerpt pulled directly from a real Craigslist ad:

HI MY NAME IS MATT AND I TAKE IN TURTLES AND TORTOISES THAT PEOPLE CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF OR DON'T WANT. I TAKE THEM OFF YOUR HANDS FOR FREE YOU CAN BRING THEM TO ME OR I CAN COME TO YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY CELL 267-333-1370.

ALL THANKS FROM MATT'S TURTLE AND TORTOISE RESCUE

ALSO GO TO WWW.KIJIJI.COM

I AM IN BUCKS COUNTY PA FEASTERVILLE 19053

HERE ARE SOME PICS

First and foremost, any ad written entirely in capital letters is one you can definitely pass over. It means that either the poster is too stupid to figure out how to turn off the Caps Lock, too dull to understand that normal sentences aren’t written in capital letters, or entirely too excited about the product he has to offer (which means he’s lying about how good it is). Now, in some cases, buying products from stupid people may not bother you. This is obviously a personal preference; I prefer to limit my interactions with stupid people as much as possible, but perhaps you don’t feel the same way. But in other cases, taking up a stupid person’s offer is just a bad idea no matter what you believe. Take the example above. If you are trying to re-home your beloved pet turtle, someone who is unsure of how to use punctuation and capitalization may not be the best hands in which to place the animal. The same goes for job ads: why would you want to work for someone who is clearly an idiot?

- And, of course, I can’t leave out ads that don’t advertise anything. Here is another example from a real Craigslist ad:

Great Opportunity Available !!!!!! (Northeast)

We are looking for 20 people immediately!!!

We are looking for people that have:

*GOOD Communication Skills
*GREAT Desire To Advance
*EXCELENT People Skills

To help with a Customer Service, Mgmt. and Growth in a New Industry!!!!
*No Exp. Necessary!
*Rapid Advancement!
*We Provide The Training!

Apply Today and Start Tomorrow
215-464-1770

Perhaps upon first glance, this ad seems exciting and potentially legitimate. But upon closer inspection, you will notice that from the title of the ad down to the last line, there is absolutely no real information given. The title of the ad makes no reference whatsoever to what type of job this is or what field it’s in. The location is extremely vague and could refer to anywhere as long as it’s north and east of someplace else. The job requirements listed are qualities desirable in almost any position of any job in any field. The same is true for the listed perks. And lastly, the phrase “apply today and start tomorrow” is a red flag for a scam. In no legitimate job is this possible. The phone number at the bottom may be what tricks you at first (it’s the only piece of “real” information in this ad), but all it takes is a single phone call and about five seconds for phone scammers to acquire your number and call you every fifteen minutes for the next month and a half. So what if you realize that the ad is fake once you call the number? The scammers don’t care, because either way they now have your number.

This is just a short list of the most important rules for avoiding a Craigslist scam or swindle. I could provide many more. But they all reinforce the same basic guideline: if it doesn’t seem legit, it’s probably not. You can’t trust an ad to be advertising an actual product if it makes no reference, either in images or in the writing, to said product. And if you have any doubts as to whether or not an ad is real, don’t bother with it. There too many good, legitimate postings on it to bother with the shitty ones.

I hope this helps. Also, if anybody needs something that they might like to find on Craigslist, let me know. Craigslist browsing is kind of one of my favorite hobbies, except that I don’t have the need or the money to actually buy anything from it. What I’m trying to say is, please feed my addiction.

Style Reflecting Content

Every once in a while, a concentrated burst of inspiration hits me. It’s like being squirted in the face with a high-powered water gun, except instead of my face, it’s my brain, and instead of water, it’s an urge to write.

This usually occurs when I’m hopped up on three or so cups of coffee, and I’m ridiculously excited about the world and everything in it for no real reason. I’ll be bouncing around in my computer chair, thinking about things I actually know nothing about but I think that I do, when suddenly a light turns on inside my brain and I’m like, “Oh man! I should DO something with this energy!” But instead of running a couple of laps around the outside of whatever building I’m in, I decide to write.

Because when I become energized, it’s not the way normal people do. I become energized INTELLECTUALLY, not physically. My brain becomes flooded with dopamine which tickles my neurons so that they fire all over the place, and then my brain’s like “Let’s run a fucking MARATHON, let’s go, come on, I’m ready,” but then I have to remind my brain that, actually, we hate running, and it’s like “Well dammit, you have to do SOMETHING with me.” So I say, “Why don’t we do some homework?” and it’s like “Whoa, whoa, slow it down there, slugger, I don’t want to work THAT hard.” So we compromise, and I do a little creative writing.

Anyway, these inspiration bursts also cause me to have ideas. They’re usually bad ideas, with just a few good ones sprinkled in there, but either way they’re always these hopeful, optimistic, big-picture thoughts that I’m way too lazy and angry to think about most of the rest of the time. I get this weird feeling of clarity and understanding, this feeling that for a brief moment, I suddenly understand the way the world works and everything that needs to be done for it to work better. I feel like I can see the projected path my life will take.

Of course, this gets me even more excited and bouncy because I think I’m all enlightened or some shit. I’ll tell Brad, or whoever is most accessible at the time, all about these extremely inspiring yet unrealistic ideas like I don’t know how no one has thought of them before. Except sometimes I get so excited about them that I forget how to use words correctly, so I’ll end up asking, “What’s that word for being able to express yourself clearly?” and Brad will say, “Articulate?” and I’ll laugh because how ironic is that? But then I’ll say, “Anyway, that’s what I think I should do with my life,” and it’s not until I calm down later that I realize I didn’t actually say any of what I had wanted to say. And then I try to remember what it was that I had wanted to say, and I can’t. And just like that, things are as unclear to me as they always were.

I wonder what my life would be like if I thought this way all the time- clearly, rationally, optimistically. And in a way I do think this way all the time, because I essentially mainline caffeine into my veins every morning in order to get out of bed at a respectable hour. But these inspiration bursts don’t come every day or even every time I drink three cups of coffee. They are rarer than that, and so only at certain times do I feel like I understand my life, myself, and the world. Point being, my normal baseline state of mind does not include a clear understanding of the world; I can only reach this state with copious enhancement drugs that are flavored with Cinnamon Bun Coffeemate. With that in mind, can I really call it a state of clear understanding? Do I really understand myself this way, or do I just think I understand myself?