What Really Is In A Name

I saw this ad while riding the bus home the other day:

(click to enlarge)

Yes, that’s right. There’s an attorney in Philly named Justin Bieber, and he’s advertising himself like that’s not weird. Good luck getting taken seriously in a courtroom, buddy.

I mean, I kind of feel bad for the guy. I’m guessing he was born, named, entered law school, and maybe even passed the bar before the singer rose to fame. It’s not like he chose this profession knowing the potential consequences. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence, and now he has to suffer through the agony of trying to practice law with the same name as a floppy-haired teenage heartthrob.

If I were the lawyer, I’d definitely either change my name or go by something else- a middle name, perhaps. But apparently, this guy doesn’t agree. He’s flaunting his given name loudly and proudly.

I’m willing to bet he’s actually promoting the name association. I mean, it’s extremely unlikely that he is unaware of it. Everyone’s at least heard of Justin Bieber the singer by now. People probably point out the happenstance to him all the time. But this wank-job is bold enough to display his name on his posters, and slap those posters all over Septa buses. The name itself will make it difficult enough for the guy to seem legitimate; plastering it all over the city like it’s clever makes it that much worse.

What this really got me thinking about, though, is the way your name defines you in general. Studies that I won’t cite here have proven that people with regular, more common names like Mary are more likely to be college educated and wealthy than people with other, less “normal” names that are more commonly associated with poorer and/or minority groups. It’s interesting how a person’s name is viewed as so indexical of his/her personality, whether or not it really is.

But whether your name really reflects your personality or not, you will still be judged by pretty much everyone else in the world as though it is. That’s just the way it is. My co-workers admitted to me, months after I was hired, that when they were accepting applications for my position, they didn’t consider the applicants who had really weird names as strongly as those with normal names. In much the same way as the name “Justin Bieber” is associated in our minds with a young, high-voiced teenage boy over whom 12-year-old girls fawn, there are certain traits of a name that will pretty much automatically prevent you from ever being taken seriously in life.

Point is, we all know that weird names pretty much condemn kids to certain personalities (come on. We all went to grade school. We all made fun of the kids with the funny names). And yet, despite this knowledge, parents continue to name their kids really weird, goofy names. In fact, it’s becoming really popular now to pick out as bizarre a name as possible for your child in the name of “originality” and “uniqueness”. This is of concern to me. These parents should really know what they’re doing to their kids (like I said, we all went to grade school), but they don’t seem to understand. So I’d like to supply you all with a list of traits that should never be included in a name. (Unless otherwise indicated, all points apply to first names only.)

- Anything with punctuation. There is no name for which this is not true. No hyphens. No apostrophes. No dollar signs. No asterisks. No parentheses. Just don’t do it.

- A first name that rhymes with the last name. It’s not funny and it’s not cute. There is no way a person will be taken seriously with rhyming names. I would even go so far as to say never to choose a first name that begins with the same letter as the last name, but name alliteration is much less awkward than name rhyming, and can be left as more of a personal preference than a steadfast rule.

- The name of a place. I might get a lot of disagreement on this one, because it’s a really popular trend right now. But seriously, no one wants a name that’s also somewhere you can go. It will unfailingly cause people to assume that the child’s personality is representative of whatever ethnic/cultural group is from the place for which he/she is named. Please don’t carry out your world traveler fantasies through the naming of your baby.

- A name for a male that is more commonly a name for a female. I can’t think of many exceptions to this rule. There are very, very few truly gender-neutral names in existence. Do you really want your son to grow up with the name “Leslie”? I don’t even think an exception should be made if it’s a family name. Your great great grandfather was named Leslie because in 1860, it wasn’t a feminine name. Now it is. Things change. Your son’s going to get beaten up on the playground with a name like that. If you really feel the need to keep the tradition, make a slight alteration: name him Lester instead. (To clarify: I don’t believe that this rule applies as heavily the other way around—i.e., naming your female baby a something that is more commonly a male’s name. Girls have an easier time overcoming name-gender stereotypes. I’d just exercise caution in the degree to which the name you choose is masculine: Don’t name your baby girl “John” or “Andrew” or something clearly masculine.)

- An uncommon name of a celebrity. This one is less about your own preferences and more about what you’re doing to your kid with a name like that. I can understand if you want to name your kid after a celebrity with a common name. It’s your own business the type of people who are inspirational to you; I can’t condemn that. It’s more about the immediate association people will make when they hear the name. Naming your baby Julia because your favorite actress is Julia Roberts is acceptable, because the celebrity is not the first association people will make when they hear the name. But if you want to name your kid after a celebrity with an uncommon name, whether you like the celebrity him/herself or you just like the name, please think again. Do you really think a girl named Beyoncè won’t get made fun of growing up? Do you really think a guy named Ziggy won’t be looked at a little strangely when he’s interviewing for a job?

- On the same vein, a name that is more closely associated with a pet’s name. I’m talking to you, people who’ve named their daughters “Marley.” It doesn’t matter that you think it’s a really pretty name. It doesn’t matter if you thought of it before the book/movie came out. The association is there now, and it will be for years and years to come. You can’t use that name anymore. You just can’t. Sorry. Pick another one. There are literally thousands out there.

- A real word that is not a real name (applies to the English language only, because I know this is common in other countries). There are some names that are also real English words, like “Mark” or “Brooke.” They’re okay because they’re socially acceptable as names as well as words. I’m talking about words that have no business being names. Like “Apple.” In what universe could that name possibly capture the essence of a personality? You might as well name the kid “Refrigerator.” Just because you chose a word out of the English language at random does not mean you are creative. (The exception to this rule: nicknames.)

I don’t think these rules are very difficult to follow. I could have listed many more things people do with names that I can’t stand, but in an effort to be as non-judgmental as possible, I listed only the worst atrocities. Please, parents, just be good to your kids and follow the rules put forth above. Your kid will thank you later in his life when he asks, “What was I almost named?” and you tell him “Lindsey” and he thinks about how much he hasn’t been beaten up on the playground lately. I can assure you that the rest of society will thank you as well. It will be one less La’Qui-shah running for president in twenty years; one less Paris teaching our children, and one less Baxter doing our taxes for us. The world will be a better place.